作词：Christopher Scott Thile

Locking doors, spotless pores
Finding comfort in a total bore
The number four, genealogical lore
Nothing feels good unless I've felt it before

The neighbor's gay, he shouldn't be that way
I'm gonna treat him like a person but not today
When I'm old and grey, and he's dying of AIDS
I'm gonna stop by his bed to remind him to pray

Melvin is locking doors
He makes everything a chore
And he don't really care no more
Melvin is locking doors
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Nervous when my little woman friend
Makes me kinda wanna be a man again
Don't wanna bend, better to offend
But I'll get pissed when she looks at other men

Melvin is locking doors
And he makes everything a chore
And he don't really care

Locking doors, salting sores
When one wimp winces we'll win this war
Show me some gore, man, I'm so hardcore
But it doesn't feel good unless I've felt it
Nothing feels good unless I've felt it before

Melvin is locking doors